In the intricate dance of life, setting boundaries can serve as a profound act of self-care. It's a skill that, when honed, allows us to carve out space for our well-being amidst the demands of daily life. Yet, for many of us, learning to set boundaries can feel like navigating uncharted waters— we may feel guilty, uneasy, or even rigid!
So, how can we cultivate boundaries that truly nurture us, without the strain of overthinking?
Begin by embracing that boundaries are less about mental work and more about tuning into our body's innate signals. Your body often knows long before your mind catches up—what feels expansive and affirming, and what triggers discomfort or feels heavy or icky.
This awareness is key: rather than laboring over boundary-setting as a mental exercise, allow yourself to listen to the subtle whispers of your body consistently throughout the day.
For example, I often attend support meetings for professionals. At the end of the meetings we have time for questions and checking in with one another at a more personal level. I started to cue into how it feels to speak to each individual, and noticed there’s a moment when I feel ready to wrap up a conversation and yet, for one reason or another, we let it continue. I learned to cue into this body sensation and allow myself to politely wrap up and talk to someone else, or simply honor it is time to go home.
Allowing myself to feel this boundary internally, made it easy to express it externally. Instead of “I think I’m ready”, “I feel ready”. And those two make a world of a difference.
Why is this embodied approach to boundaries so empowering?
The inexcusable, undeniable bodily cue helps especially when we’re also healing from other things, such as people pleasing, codependency or being overly protective of ourselves. Instead, imagine boundaries as a natural extension of our physical space—a space where decisions are guided by how our body responds. When something feels right, our bodies may relax, breathe easier; when a boundary is needed, we might sense a tightening or unease. The more we practice, the better skilled we become.
"When something feels right, our bodies may relax, breathe easier; when a boundary is needed, we might sense a tightening or unease"
Can setting boundaries be challenging, especially for those new to the practice?
Absolutely. Setting boundaries requires practice and patience, much like any new skill. At times, in our eagerness to honor ourselves, we might err on the side of caution, setting boundaries that feel rigid or isolating. This learning process is natural and offers invaluable insights into our needs and limits.
When working with clients, it’s not until we embrace the intuitive guidance of our body that boundaries became less of a mental struggle and more of a compassionate act towards ourselves. Through therapy, we learn to discern between boundaries that felt authentic and those that were driven by fear or obligation.
How can one begin to cultivate this embodied approach to boundary-setting?
Start by checking in with yourself regularly. Before committing to something or responding to a request, pause and notice how your body responds. Is there a sense of openness and alignment, or do you feel tension or discomfort? This simple practice of mindful awareness can unveil profound insights into where boundaries are needed and how to honor them with grace.
Moreover, allow yourself the grace to adjust and refine your boundaries as you grow more attuned to your body's signals.
Boundaries, after all, are dynamic and responsive to our evolving needs and circumstances. What feels right today may evolve tomorrow, and that's perfectly natural. “It’s okay to change my mind” may be an affirmation to help with these changing circumstances.
How do I stay accountable to my boundary?
Recognize that boundary-setting is an ongoing dialogue—an expression of self-respect and compassion. It's not about putting walls but about nurturing spaces where your authenticity can flourish. Sometimes, this means gently asserting our needs, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable at first. When we are in our true selves, creativity flows natural, we become more resourceful, relax, and even connect with others on a deeper level.
In essence, honoring ourselves through boundaries is a profound act of self-love. It's about embracing the wisdom of our body, trusting its cues, and cultivating a relationship of profound respect for our own well-being.
How can I differentiate between healthy boundaries and walls that isolate me from others?
Boundaries may feel easy flowing in our body. After setting them especially, we may feel a sense of relief that matches our internal experience. Walls on the contrary, often feel tense or rigid. They accompany a sense of discomfort and even physical pain. Although in the beginning a healthy boundary may feel like a wall, they may still hold a different quality. For example, we may uphold a boundary around a mother or mother in law, and still feel compassion for their experience. “I hear this is really difficult for you to hear”, instead of responding with anger or stonewalling.
What are some practical steps to overcome guilt or fear when asserting boundaries?
Ahhh, yes. This can sometimes happen. If setting boundaries is so healthy, why do they hurt sometimes? Why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong? When this happens it is especially important to take care of yourself. Place a gentle hand on the part of you that’s hurting (chest, belly, shoulders), and reassure that part “it’s okay to take care of myself”.
“How do I handle situations where others don't respect the boundaries I've set?
What strategies can I use to maintain boundaries in high-pressure or emotionally charged situations?”
This happens a lot! Take, for example, a relationship where fights are common practice. Both partners argue to exhaustion and have gotten used to a rhythm where fighting is just “what we do”. Then, one of them starts setting boundaries in order to improve communication in the relationship and avoid avid fighting “I’m going to take 20 minutes now because I feel heated”. Yet his partner hasn’t learned this tool yet, and feels intimidated so she continues fighting. What does he do? Let go of the 20 min boundary? No. He reasserts it “I’m angry at this time so I’m going to take 20 min. If you don’t honor it, I will walk out the room”. And does whatever is needed to indeed create separation. This ain’t abandonment. This isn’t selfish. He’ll be back in 20. But for now, his needs and boundaries are more important because as a result of self care, the relationship will be greatly improved.
Are there exercises or practices that can help me become more attuned to my body's signals regarding boundaries?
Check in check in check in exercise!! It all comes down to this. Ask me for it if you need it again
